Tonight, I plan to amuse myself by keeping a journal of my thoughts and actions as I stay awake until dawn finishing this confounded paper. Enjoy my mental torment. It's good stuff.

1:17 am: Horked down mediocre Chana Masala from Jo's. Feel slighted by lack of dessert. Only have self to blame, however, for eating entire cookie supply yesterday for no apparent reason. 2 1/2 pages out of 6 completed.

1:23 am: Finished section on Kaminaljuyu earlier today. Now describing archaeology of Tikal. Entertaining self by imagining city of Tikal personified in human form as extremely attractive warrior guy wearing loincloth and feather headdress.

1:34 am: Taking notes while singing along to recording of self singing Battle Hymn of the Republic. Cannot possibly sink any lower.

1:45 am: Was wrong about previous statement. Now contemplating drawing picture of L and Light from Death Note as Tikal and Calakmul, two warring polities in Classic Maya lowlands. Could have them holding spears and trying to rip each other's hearts out. Suspect this would generate lots of page-views.

1:50 am: Finished taking notes on Tikal. Time to write about stupid Stela 4. Never liked Stela 4 anyway.
...Maybe take bathroom break first.

1:55 am: Back from bathroom. Spent full two minutes staring at reflection in mirror. Convinced that nose has gotten bigger since last time I looked.

2:24 am: Finally onto 4th page. First attempt at using Pandora radio a spectacular success. Now listening to songs by James Taylor and Jim Croce.

2:27 am: Butt falling asleep.

2:39 am: Room beginning to smell funny. Wonder if chain-smoking pothead neighbors are lighting up again, or if own brain is simply rotting from reading words like "Teopanticuanitlan" and "Topiltzin Quetzalcoatl". Betting on the latter.

3:09 am: FINALLY done section about Tikal! Paper officially 2/3 done. Listening to Spongebob's "Sweet Victory" to celebrate.

3:16 am: Taking notes for third section of paper. Extremely grateful my name is not "K'inich Yax K'uk' Mo'" like first ruler of Copán. What the hell do all those apostrophes even mean?

3:30 am: Found source of mysterious ticking noise. It's a pipe bomb. Yaaay!!

3:45 am: Very, very, very tired. Seppuku attempt foiled by lack of suitably sharp katana and all-consuming fear of death. Decide instead to get sugared up on packet of smarties.

3:51 am: Struck by revelation that today is Friday the 13th. Life suddenly explicable.

4:10 am: Still taking notes. Continuous stream of drool emanating from corner of mouth. Praying fervently for painless death drowning in own slobber.

4:39 am: Complete deterioration of mental state imminent.

5:10 am: Last half hour extremely productive. Made up poem, which goes like this:
The day has arrived
We all knew it would
Friday the 13th
Bringer of no good
I’m sure things will be fine
They’ll go as they should
But to be on the safe side
Let’s all knock on wood!

5:20 am: Page 5. Bitch.

5:58 am: Finally done body of paper. Experiencing strange desire to weep openly over newly discovered, borderline-hysterical love of talud-tablero architecture at Copán. Choose instead to get few hours of sleep before attempting introductory and concluding paragraphs.


ALARM SET FOR 9:30 AM. FML AND LIGHTS OUT.




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