Ongoing Health Issues

I'm so depressed and frustrated. After FIVE years of battling ulcerative colitis, I thought getting surgery to remove my large intestine would give me my life back. I thought I'd recover enough to get a job or move in with some friends.

Instead, not even a year later, my immune system is going completely haywire, yet again. I'm so sick, and so profoundly dispirited. I made an appointment to see a specialist back in April, but they didn't have an opening until fucking SEPTEMBER. So I just get to sit here all summer, going out of my mind with pain and worry, knowing that even once I get in to see this person, that's only the beginning. I've been through this shit before. First come a battery of tests, then weeks and weeks of waiting, then baffled head-scratching by the doctors, then more waiting, then another round of tests, followed by even more waiting... I have wasted my entire 20s on this bullshit. I am SO tired. Just...so tired.

I feel like my life ended before it ever really began. I graduated from college, got ready to strike out my own, and bam. Everything fell apart. I've missed so many milestones, been cheated out of so many experiences. I've spent my time in hospitals or holed up in my room, just trying to stay alive. And the worst part is, I don't think it's ever going to get any better. Even if they figure out what's wrong with me now, there are so few treatment options for this kind of thing. I feel like there's nothing anyone can do to help me. I feel like it's only going to get worse, and I'm going to suffer a slow and painful decline over the next ten years or so, until this finally kills me.

I wish I could be someone else. I wish I could get out of this body. I just want my life back.